Couple in therapy. The couple as an opportunity for mutual becoming

The underlying intent of our contribution is to delve deeper into some aspects of clinical practice in working with couples within the framework of Relational Psychoanalysis and, more precisely, starting from Michele Minolli’s theory of the I-Subject. A psychoanalytic approach in couple therapy is particularly relevant nowadays since the romantic relationship has increasingly become invested with expectations that partners will take care of individual vulnerabilities, offering support and understanding. As a result, the romantic relationship inevitably becomes the place where individual existential crises take place. “YOU make me feel bad” is one of the accusations that we often hear in different forms from couples in therapy. This accusation symbolically summarizes the entire mechanism of delegating responsibility to the other for one’s emotional experience. This relational pattern – of demanding and, at the same time, of depending on the Other – is understood as resulting from modern society’s tendency to hyper-individualism. In this context, self-affirmation seems to be an indispensable condition for one’s existence in relation to the rest of the world, resulting in the individual experiencing a state of radical inconsistency. We refer to our clinical work with couples as ‘couple in therapy’ rather than as ‘couple therapy’ precisely because what underpins our theoretical frame and techniques aims to support the individual to work towards taking back their investment (in this case, a romantic one) in the Other. This is an opportunity for individual growth and development that wouldn’t be achieved alone. Therefore, the therapist plays a fundamental role in helping to take back this investment. During the early stages of therapy, the couple can easily start requesting that the therapist offer quick fixes for solving daily struggles. The aim of therapy is instead to support the couple to rediscover themselves at this time of crisis: in this way, the I-Subject becomes central, as I is the one who loves, relates, and is in crisis. The I-Subject does not passively suffer struggles but experiences them, even when they become difficult and painful, making it much harder to own and stay with those experiences. Recognizing human symmetry is a precondition to clinical practice, alongside an ethical sense of care, to work with patients, not instead of them or in a better way than them. This leads to a shared understanding of the issues, the loss, emptiness, and inconsistency of being a human being. By taking this stance and awareness, the therapist will be able to support couples in a process of gradual relinquishment of delegating to the Other the condition of their existence, helping them to experience the relationship not as a romantic and idealized wholeness but as an opportunity for mutual becoming. In the proposed work, these aspects will also be explored in depth through the use of clinical material.